Thursday, 11 September 2008
The absolute worst part of the month is The Two Week Wait: That spell in limbo before you can pee on a stick and see if you’re going to be turning your life upside down in 9 months. It’s horrible because it’s nearly impossible to pretend it’s not happening, and when you admit that, how do you strike the right balance between hope and nonchalance? Clearly we want something to happen, but, a bit like one of those magic eye pictures, if you look too hard, you lose perspective.
I had quiet hope this month though, as I think did Keith. Sadly it wasn’t to be.
It’s really hard not to feel like a bit of a failure, and those glib statistics seem to mock you. Did you know that "Around 84% of couples actively trying for a baby conceive within one year"? Time’s running out for us to be in that group so what happens next? Do we carry on? Do we give it up as a bad job? When do we start talking about alternatives? Or don’t we? Do we live in total denial until the day I start getting hot flushes and a desire for elasticated waistbands?
I envy those people who "accidentally" find themselves pregnant – in some situations in life ignorance truly is bliss.
One thing I happened upon this month which really helped me is the idea of visualisation. This whole process has tested my beliefs in every way possible and I have struggled to hold on to faith of any kind, but I seem to have found something in the idea of visualising myself nurturing a healthy happy baby. It’s not a visualisation that comes easily to me, I don’t suppose it does to someone without children, but bizarrely, it seems to have a power and a reality like nothing else I have tried. With it, I can keep hold of the last few straws of my faith, and slowly, very slowly, claw back my belief that this will happen for us.