A few of my friends have mentioned recently that they are teaching
their children not to talk to strangers. I instantly felt like I was missing a trick because I have never thought to have those conversations
with my own children.
Naval gazing in the shower I realised that my dreadful parenting omission
was down to a combination of life experience and believing that Stranger Danger
(how lucky for the marketing team that those words rhyme) is an overblown
concept.
That’s not a contentious statement by the way, according to key
organisations, the instance of children abused by strangers runs between 5 and
10% worldwide*.
So why the emphasis?
Well it’s easier to believe in a bogeyman that looks a bit
funny, or talks a bit strange, or smells a bit nasty. It’s more palatable to believe
that the family is a safe place to be and that nobody you know and love could
betray you in such a horrific way.
But it’s not the truth.
Pretending that it is
the truth not only distorts the meaning of danger for children but it robs them
of one of the most important skills they will need growing up.
For reasons I will go into next week, Alfie and I were at a
briefing session last night. After an hour of learning about recycling with
some very “alternative looking” people, the lady asked if there were any
questions.
Up shot Alfie’s hand and a very self possessed little voice
said “Excuse me”.
A room full of earnest adult eyes turned and waited in
silence for him to begin.
Please don’t have a brain fart, I silently prayed.
“Some people” he began indignantly, “put milk bottles in
their bin with the lid on!”*
The room collectively melted.
The lady said “I know, who does that, right?”
And the conversation moved on leaving a little boy with a
reinforced belief in the value of what he has to say and a mama who could have
cried with pride.
Pride because my son is developing the skill to judge people
and situations on a deeper level than how they look or smell or talk.
An attacker will not come for my children with a hunched
back and warty nose and smelling slightly of wee. There won’t be a big sign
hanging round their neck. I can’t give my children a checklist that will keep
them safe.
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| The notable exception to the stranger rule © Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. All Rights Reserved |
So better just be safe and not talk to any strangers at all,
right?
I can’t do that either.
What if one of my children gets lost and needs to ask for
help? Longer term, how am I preparing them to live in society if I fill them
with fear of strangers?
Some of the most exciting experiences I have had have been
with strangers: I have laughed until I cried striking up a conversation with the person in the next seat. I have an amazing friend who I know for no other
reason than we bumped into each other on a dance floor one night and one of us
was carrying a box of red wine. I travelled to LA on my own and spent a
blissful Christmas at a youth hostel.
Because I wasn't scared of strangers.
I believe it is more valuable to my children to learn
lessons about bodily integrity and person limits than about fear.
I believe they stand a better chance of staying safe if they
have the experience and context of good
stranger interaction: After all, good judgement is a learned skill like any other that
gets stronger the more we practice.
And the rest? That 5-10% who fall prey to the roaming
predator? As hard as it is to accept, I have to leave that one to fate.
*This is a big recycling no-no, it devalues the resale value
of the plastic
I got lost as a kid, ended up at a police station with the help of a couple who took me there, refused to give them any info because they were strangers Ha! parents still found me and took me home. The memory of that is as clear as day in technicolour.
ReplyDeleteWell done Alfie for voicing his opinion at such a tender age, glad they acknowledged what he had to say.
What's your memory of your feelings and thoughts that day? No reason for me asking, just curious :)
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