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It's not hard to freshen up a baby's undercrackers, right? The procedure is pretty basic:
  • Lie down 
  • Rip, rip 
  • Unfold 
  • Gag 
  • Wipe 
  • Lift 
  • Lower 
  • Fold 
  • Stick, stick
You can then stand back and admire your handiwork safe in the knowledge that there will be no poo-splosion on your watch.

Fast forward eight months and the picture isn't so rosy.
Oh it is OHN!
Maybe it's just my children – although the popularity of tie down change tables in public toilets tells me otherwise – but my babies don't just lie still for nappy changes.

My babies delight in turning nappy changes into a bizarre ritualistic game, the rules of which remain a complete mystery:
  • Lie baby down. 
  • Watch baby flip over. 
  • Turn baby onto back again and pin with one hand. 
  • Remove old nappy with one hand. 
  • Ignore the slightly squishy feeling on the end of finger. 
  • Reach for wipe with one hand, realise you forgot to take one out of the packet. 
  • Try and prise single wipe from packet with one hand using a flapping motion. 
  • Give up when wipe decides to bring some friends for the ride. 
  • Calculate that you can remove hand from wriggling baby, grab wipe with both hands and get back to baby before they flip over and crawl away. 
  • Realise you have miscalculated as you watch the baby crawl away before the wipe is out of the packet. 
  • Recapture baby. 
  • Bribe four year old to come and wave a toy over the baby's head as a distraction. 
  • Remonstrate with son for lack of enthusiasm. 
  • Grab baby as son wanders off to play. 
  • Decide to try pinning baby with one leg in a strange sideways changing formation. 
  • Give that up as a bad job as it doesn't stop the baby flipping over. 
  • Call two year old and give them permission to blow raspberries at will. 
  • Sit back and smile at semi naked baby laughing hysterically at her big sister. 
  • Sneak nappy under baby's butt mid raspberry. 
  • Untangle baby's fingers from screaming two year old's hair. 
  • Contemplate giving up on nappies and starting Elimination Communication. 
  • Call husband over for help while pinning baby down by all four limbs. 
  • Assume superior expression as husband takes over. 
  • Watch as baby lies still, coos and allows husband to change nappy without so much as a toe wiggle. 
  • Call baby uncharitable name and try not to smile at the gummy grin.
This is not parenting, this is a full contact sport and I'm taking a kicking.


  1. *grins* I was a Nanny to two children age 1 & 2 and both were in nappies. They were good as gold though, which was especially great when both of them got the runs. The 2yr old’s Mum provided me with his healthy home made meals to heat up, I soon found out that waterchestnuts pass straight through! I would lay them side by side and do simultaneous nappy changing. My brother took 3 adults to change him, once he became mobile. He swiftly learnt how to haul his toddler backside over the home made stair gate and slide down the stairs on his front, quickly followed by a frantic adult who wasn’t so adept at leaping over stairgates. We didn’t go in for branded nappies, money was tight, so we use plastic wraps and nappy pads, which meant tying the nappy either side no stickies. Nappy wraps are great, quick to wash, and even faster to dry in a hurry, get the hairdryer out! My nephew is resurrecting my nappy changing skills, and he takes 2 adults now when he’s at his worst, just like Uncle Sergio! He’s not managed to pee on me yet though!

    1. This has made me laugh so hard!! I feel much better now knowing that I'm not a complete nappy changing failure. We use a mixture of eco disposables and pocket washables (with 2 in nappies we sometimes run out of washables) and I agree, they are actually easier to put on mid wriggle than disposables for sure. I'm impressed at your brother, I bet he's an awesome fearless adult now. Ours would do the same which is exactly why I'm grateful for having a single level house!!! .

  2. I think every person changing a nappy has experienced the mobile baby, who would rather play than lay still. My sister always changed nappies as fast as she could, like an Olympic time trialled sport! but Mum & I take our time, and found my nephew calmer, he would scream from start to finish with my sister. Whether that was because he knew it was his Mum and playing up or whether it was because she was so fast at it. I much prefer tying a nappy up to peeling apart stickies, they were the cause of my 1 and only total nappy fail, because as I tried to peel it apart it just wouldn't do it, and ripped the nappy instead argh! I then feeling totally annoyed went through every nappy in the box to check the stickies, pointing out ones to my sister doomed to fail! Outdone by a nappy! Grrr! *laughs*

    1. We went through a whole bag of nappies that had defective stickies once. I was not impressed at 3am in moodlighting with a baby I was trying to keep at least half asleep!

  3. So bad because they aren't cheap and they bung up landfills. I pity our Grandparents and generations going back who had to deal with cloth nappies and trying to get them clean, minus a washing machine like we have now, while trying to keep their eyes open.

    1. You can see why a lot of countries still use Elimination Communication can't you?

  4. I'd be cracking on with potty/toilet training asap. Mum said my sister cottoned on pretty fast, watching her brothers use the toilet.

  5. bless you sweetie, you have injected humor into such a frustrating parental task. Mine have all gone thru stages like that, sending you big hugs!! We are currently working on a headstrong 4yr old who doesn't like to be reminded to go to the toilet when he starts the wee wee dance. So have many accidents and he often smells of stale wee, gross!! But then he still wants cuddles!! =))

    1. That really isn't a great combo is it? Our four year old is still struggling with that tricky overnight stage which makes morning hugs something of a wake up call lol

  6. Tears streaming down my face reading this. I've abandoned cloth for the moment and gone for pull ups so he can stand up as much as possible, that seems to stop the worst of it at least on the re-dressing side of things. At night we just let him keep fighting nappy and clothes until he wears himself out, only take 10 minutes! Today he lay still for bum changing and it was lovely, he was upside down watching telly though. :S

    1. That is actually a really good idea. All of it. From now on Miss Olive is getting changed upside down watching tv with pull up nappies while wrestling the dog. That might just be enough.


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