It's not hard to freshen up a baby's undercrackers, right? The procedure is pretty basic:
- Lie down
- Rip, rip
- Stick, stick
You can then stand back and admire your handiwork safe in the knowledge that there will be no poo-splosion on your watch.
Fast forward eight months and the picture isn't so rosy.
|Oh it is OHN!|
Maybe it's just my children – although the popularity of tie down change tables in public toilets tells me otherwise – but my babies don't just lie still for nappy changes.
My babies delight in turning nappy changes into a bizarre ritualistic game, the rules of which remain a complete mystery:
- Lie baby down.
- Watch baby flip over.
- Turn baby onto back again and pin with one hand.
- Remove old nappy with one hand.
- Ignore the slightly squishy feeling on the end of finger.
- Reach for wipe with one hand, realise you forgot to take one out of the packet.
- Try and prise single wipe from packet with one hand using a flapping motion.
- Give up when wipe decides to bring some friends for the ride.
- Calculate that you can remove hand from wriggling baby, grab wipe with both hands and get back to baby before they flip over and crawl away.
- Realise you have miscalculated as you watch the baby crawl away before the wipe is out of the packet.
- Recapture baby.
- Bribe four year old to come and wave a toy over the baby's head as a distraction.
- Remonstrate with son for lack of enthusiasm.
- Grab baby as son wanders off to play.
- Decide to try pinning baby with one leg in a strange sideways changing formation.
- Give that up as a bad job as it doesn't stop the baby flipping over.
- Call two year old and give them permission to blow raspberries at will.
- Sit back and smile at semi naked baby laughing hysterically at her big sister.
- Sneak nappy under baby's butt mid raspberry.
- Untangle baby's fingers from screaming two year old's hair.
- Contemplate giving up on nappies and starting Elimination Communication.
- Call husband over for help while pinning baby down by all four limbs.
- Assume superior expression as husband takes over.
- Watch as baby lies still, coos and allows husband to change nappy without so much as a toe wiggle.
- Call baby uncharitable name and try not to smile at the gummy grin.
This is not parenting, this is a full contact sport and I'm taking a kicking.