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Apple Trees has been kicking my ass for the last few weeks and no mistake.

If you have never been lucky enough to share in the joy of full blown morning sickness and wonder what all the fuss is about, let me enlighten you. Morning sickness is like being on a ferry in a force 10 gale while being engulfed by the smell of week old fox poo. It isn't restricted to mornings - whoever optimistically said it was needs taking outside to have a word with themselves – it is a relentless day long grind.

The only consolation is that morning sickness usually skips merrily along with abject exhaustion so at least when you crawl back home in the evening you have the blessing of an early bedtime to ease your existence.

This is new territory to me, morning sickness, so I had no frame of reference about what might help.

I worked out that hunger made it worse, but then (cruelly) so did eating. So I took to grazing.

That was fine until I realised that the crackers I was grazing on were making me so thirsty I was getting dehydrated. But drinking made me feel even more sick.

Cutting out the crackers and just drinking water was a blessing. Until the low temperature made my stomach go into spasm.

Fruit was heavenly, until the sheer volume I was consuming got too much for my digestion.

Ditto milk and cheese, which had me sprinting for the toilets in a very “I’m late for a meeting” kind of way so nobody would notice. The fact that my boss was completely thrown when I told him my news just goes to prove that I clearly didn't do a bad job. And it probably explains to him why the number of meetings I’m attending seems to have tailed off so dramatically.

Ginger was amazing, not to calm my stomach but to make my throat burn so badly I forgot about my stomach.

Hot chocolate, pretzels, no dice.

Then I had a breakthrough so biblical, so immense, that I actually break out in a sweat when I think about spending a day without it. 

Fizzy water. 

Oh. HELL. yes.

I don’t know why it works, or whether my brain took my stomach aside and said “listen mate, the joke’s gone far enough. Next thing she tries is going to cure you. Got it?” but it works well enough to help me get through the day without having to feel the blood drain from my face and my stomach clench into a ball.

So this is where I declare that every penny you pay for water with bubbles is money well spent. Anyone calling it pretentious and yuppie gets to spend a day with me and no bubbly water.

Trust me, that is about as bad as threats get.

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