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My son will one day become a lawyer.

While we have been away a lot recently, it has shined a new light on Alfie. It is not a flattering light, more the sort they used to have in seedy nightclubs that made your teeth glow and your shoulders look like you walked there through a blizzard. I believe these lights were sponsored by the Methodist Church to prevent any kind of physical attraction and I can confirm they worked very well.

Alfie’s new emerging character trait is 50% smartarse (my glowing teeth) and 50% has-to-have-the-last-word (courtesy of Frosty The Snowman from CM2).


Picture if you will: Two dogs cavorting in the garden while several children of various ages are inside, along with some adults doing non dog friendly things like baking cakes. Both the kitchen door and the lounge door are closed as Alfie makes a beeline to add the dogs to the already chaotic situation.

Adult: “Alfie, you need to leave the door closed please, we need the dogs to stay outside”
Alfie: Interesting words adult, don’t mind if I stare blankly at you do you?
Adult: “Alfie, don’t open the lounge door please”
Alfie: Did you just ask me not to open the lounge door? I just want to clarify here, the lounge door, yes? You sure now?
Adult: “Alfie where are you going? ….. You’re going to open the kitchen door aren’t you?”
Alfie: Yes, yes I am.

The above was related to me after he had padded past me and opened the kitchen door which naturally enough resulted in me using some robust language towards both child and dogs as I fended them off the cakes I was cooling on the worktop.

I hadn't fully appreciated this new talent of his until this point, but now it’s all I can think about. My God it makes life exhausting.

We were staying in a hotel room this weekend and I needed Alfie to stay quiet while I got Emmie to sleep. A simple request to some: To me, now a five minute speech filled with dozens of sub clauses which ends with me disappearing in a puff of smoke up my own arse.

It’s like one of those memory games where you have to remember what the last person said and add another of your own, except with a ticking baby shaped time bomb in your arms who is going to start spitting fire and laser beams if the toddler doesn't SHUTTHEHELLUP!!!

Alfie, could you please sit on the bed and watch the film while I get Emmie to sleep?
Alfie, could you please sit on the bed and watch the film, and not talk while I get Emmie to sleep?
Alfie, could you please sit on the bed and watch the film, and not talk, and not “shh” while I get Emmie to sleep?
Alfie, could you please sit on the bed and watch the film, and not talk, and not “shh”, and not bounce while I get Emmie to sleep?
Alfie, could you please sit on the bed and watch the film, and not talk, and not “shh”, and not bounce while I get Emmie to sleep? And then not shout at her after she’s asleep?

All donations to his education are welcome.

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