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This is really weird writing in secret again. I hate secrets, I'm terrible at keeping them, which is why I needed to write this blog in the first place, to have some method of telling people without actually saying anything.

I wasn't hopeful about this month, Keith and I have been all over the place and unlike the last few months, my left ovary wasn't killing me mid cycle, which I took as meaning it was the turn of the right hand ovary to do some work. Turns out that is the winning ovary because by the end of last week I "knew" all over again. I came home on Saturday evening and thought I ought to do a test, and low, there was a faint pink line on there.

I didn't say anything, I just hid it in the cupboard and looked at it every time I went to the bathroom - which I had forgotten is about every 30 seconds in these early days, ye GADS! - and by yesterday I thought I would buy a proper digital affair and give the results to Keith as a sort of extra birthday pressie. This may in part have something to do with the fact that I had nothing else to give him as he had already had his Playstation game on Friday.

And there it was in black and white - no ambiguity, no "trick of the light": I am pregnant. Again.

Keith didn't react quite as positively as I might have hoped. In fact when I gave him the test he asked if I was pregnant.

Yes darling that is why the test says pregnant.

Oh right so it's not a question then?

And I choose to breed with this man!!

I have already told a couple of people, and Keith is threatening to have to tell a few more for logistical reasons but I feel strangely protective of this pregnancy already - even from Keith.

Last night for the first time I saw how much baggage Keith is still carrying from Alfie's birth. My head is full of things I am going to do differently this time, while his is full of fear that it doesn't matter what we do, we'll end up in the same scenario as we were last time.

I wasn't able to deal with that last night, which was poor of me, because he needs to resolve these feelings as much as I did, he's just taken longer (and a kick up the pants) to realise they are there in the first place.

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