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I knew the day would one day come, it was inevitable really, but for some reason I hadn't expected it to happen so soon!! I have now had to start the “My Bump Is Too Big To ...” list, and the honour of the first entry goes to “... cut my own toenails”.

I believe I employ a fairly standard approach to cutting my toenails, in that I do nothing more special than placing a foot flat on the floor whilst sitting down, and leaning forward to apply clippers to nail. It being the start of the waning moon the other day, it was time for my regular nail trimming.

As I do every other month I sat on the sofa with a reassigned ashtray (that’s the thing with being an ex smoker, you do have to find new uses for things like ashtrays) and merrily clipped my fingernails to their regulation “cute but practical” length.

Humming cheerfully away to myself I then carried on with my regular ritual and placed the ashtray on the floor in front of me to make a start on my feet. It wasn't until I was leaning forward grabbing what would ordinarily have been foot but was now thin air that it occurred to me that perhaps I wasn't as bent forward as I would previously have been.

Undeterred, I shuffled forward on the sofa until I was perched precariously on the edge and tried again. By this point I had attracted a doggy audience from their slumber under the stairs who stood heads cocked and ears forward wondering what all the fuss was about. I was only grateful Keith was occupied elsewhere.

Perching on the edge of the sofa proved unsuccessful so in a final bid to curb the shin slicing potential of my toenails I adopted a position that can only be described as “the crab”. Never has the process of nail clipping been completed with such speed, or such burning shame at FTC.

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