In line with Operation Maybe, I went for my first fertility reflexology session on Monday. It was insane. Or rather the actual session wasn’t, but the after effects were. I had such an incredible headache all afternoon, and I felt like I was about to have a visit from Aunt Flo – which is the last thing you want on the day before your birthday – and I even had to have a nap in the evening, which is nothing short of bizarre to someone like me.
It helped immeasurably though – not in a physical way (well I haven’t suddenly grown a bump overnight so I’m not sure what it’s done to me) but emotionally.
I've been quite wibbly lately, prone to sudden outbursts of tears and general malaise and I felt like me emotions were taking me on something of a rollercoaster ride. It has made things hard at home, and while I’m not the sort to shut my feelings away, I don’t think I've been able to quantify them myself, let alone talk to Keith about them.
An hour of having my feet rubbed and I seem to have a better handle on it now though – I've been feeling a profound sense of failure that no amount of reassurance will fix.
More than that, I think I was deliberately ignoring what I knew deep down was wrong because it is SO at odds with how Keith feels about things. He has such a deep sense of confidence that we will have a child, and I have such a deep fear that we won’t, it’s almost explosive to allow the two to meet.
I’ll be going for more sessions from now on – I don’t feel properly fixed yet by any means, but it is an enormous step forward from where I was. I feel so sad that I hadn't seen how bad I way I had slipped into, how far down the road to negativity I had gone, and so grateful that a silly way to keep our spirits up has pulled me back towards the place I need to be.
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