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The following are excerpts from Alfie's school folder and may go some way to explaining why my son comes home from school every week smelling of perfume. 

According to Keith, they are a bit smitten with my son.

On Being asked to sit down for music time:
What they left off this comment was that when some of them didn't move fast enough he stood in the middle of the room and shouted “NOW!!”. I can't look very far to see where that came from.

On coming back inside after a very wet outdoor session:
Oh Alfie, little do you know that in a few short years, this kind of behaviour will be considered very, very uncool by the person who's trousers you are removing and will probably end with them replacing their trousers and telling you that thanks all the same, but they suddenly have a headache. Maybe best you start to practice cheering in your head.

On investigating the buoyancy of crayons:
Personally I think this was a fail on the part of the teacher. If he had done this with me around I would've grabbed a load of other waterproof items and turned it into a game of "what will sink and what will float".

And finally a nugget that describes perfectly the difference between home and 'cool.
 

Anywhere else and Alfie would've been swinging the brush round his head like Tonto sending his sister running for her life. I'm not exaggerating, he did just that so much today I realised when I was cleaning this evening that Keith has now placed the brushes and mops on top of the tallest cupboard in the kitchen. Understandable, but foolish, when you remember Alfie's favourite pastime is bouldering.

Today we were bouldering over the table and chairs. Again with the looking close to home because I definitely remember playing that game where you try to get round the whole room without touching the floor.

I also remember all the other shit I used to get up to so next week I will mostly be seeing the doctor for some tranquillisers. For me, not the boy.
 

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