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I know science says that animals are unable to commit suicide because they have no sense of self, but there do seem to be some who have less sense than others: I think specifically of lemmings and pheasants here.

Now please add to that list my son. It appears that Alfies have no sense either.

Also add to the list of notable things in life that no good conversation started with the words “Now don’t panic” and that nursery staff have not seen it all.

My son was at nursery yesterday when for reasons best known to himself, he took a small metal ball and decided that the best place to hide it from his key worker was in his mouth. While she was changing him.

I know! There are welcome mats that know not to pull dumb shit like that!

The end result was both predictable, and suitably dramatic:

My son went very quiet, his key worker hauled him to his feet, walloped him on the back and the small metal ball went flying across the room. Then my son did what any self-respecting nearly 3 year old would do and ran off like nothing had happened leaving his poor key worker in need of a stiff drink and a lie down.

All of which just serves to demonstrate two important things: First aid saves lives and whatever they pay nursery workers, it’s never going to be enough to get those grey hairs coloured.


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