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I wasn’t going to write about this for fear of reprisals, but after several recent conversations with girlfriends the weight of evidence was such that I feel I would be doing a public disservice if I didn’t.

Turns out, second time around in the pregnancy game is a open season to men folk: Both their epically funny humour, and a miraculous transformation into the three wise monkeys

There are whole sites dedicated to the rude things people say to you when pregnant, but top of the list of things I have heard in recent discussions are “My God you weigh a ton!!” and “Making love to someone as pregnant as you is just freaky”.

Men, I kid you not, comments like this are not covered by the Geneva Convention: In fact there is a specific clause in it that allows for brutal torture of people under these circumstances.

There is never a time when telling your beloved lady she is the size of a house/ as sexy as a gnu is a wise and sensible life choice. Even if there is a tiny part of your brain which dares think it, have the good  sense not to ever, EVER say it in earshot of the lady in question. For preference, keep a whole entire time zone between you and her before thinking it safe to release any such thoughts back into the wild.

It’s more than just the comments though, it’s also the lack of help.

Perhaps us women don’t do ourselves any favours by being superheroes who hold down careers, kids and homestead but there seems to be a definite lack of chivalry after the first pregnancy erring towards almost complete and total denial that anything is at all different. If I were being ungenerous I would wonder whether it was fair to say that the novelty has worn off and so, therefore, has any real appreciation of the help that we need.

Maybe it is unfair to assume that a man knows that we expect the same treatment the second time around. After all, we’ve done it before right? What’s the big deal? Well my friend, I can sum that up in two words:

Toddlers and Hormones.

The two, when combined, suck the marrow from your bones. Maybe you think you do enough just going to work, but whatever it is you think you bring to the table, we are growing A WHOLE NEW PERSON, so don’t tell us how tired you are. You don’t KNOW for tired.

Also, you remember all that nesting we did last time? The buying of clothes, the washing of clothes, the putting away of clothes, and muslins, and nappies, and blankets? That stuff still needs to happen again this time.

It doesn't happen when there is a toddler demanding our time and energy so unless you want your newborn child wrapped in newspaper like it’s just arrived from the chip shop, we need your help. Please don’t wait to be asked, earn yourself some freaking brownie points and offer before we are tempted to smother you with our ten ton bellies while you sleep.

And when your mother in law steps in to help clean your house? Buddy, you best be making good with some running shoes.

True Story.

(Except the bit about the Geneva Convention, although that SHOULD be true)

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