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... and it’s not that I don’t love you all dearly, but frankly, I have had other things on my mind which have left me feeling a bit cold at the thought of blogging.

At our last midwife’s appointment, we had a long involved (hour long) chat with Debbie which left me feeling completely and utterly deflated. It was a good and respectful conversation but I came away just wanting to cry at having to fight for my choices all over again. Memories of how wearing it was during Alfie’s pregnancy came flooding back and frankly, I would have given my right arm to just take my bump off, put it on a shelf go have a sulk and come back in a few months. What I did instead was write to the Head of Midwifery at Bedford Hospital to inform her of my choices and to ask for her support. Cynicism be stilled, a week later I had the most amazing letter drop onto the mat saying, amongst other things

“I would like to reassure you that we will endeavour to meet your desired outcome this time for a safe vaginal birth at home”

Needless to say I am slightly wary about any caveats that were accidentally left out of the letter but I do at least feel like I have “bought” some peace and quiet for the rest of my ante natal care.

The real reason I haven’t blogged much is because I have started doing my Natal Hypnotherapy properly now and the more I do it, the more I realise that there are issues I never even knew I had with Alfie’s birth, and they have really put me in a strange and not very jolly place. OK I’ll be honest, I have a head full of nasty which needs some serious healing. I was helped massively in taking the first steps last week when I had a long chat with my doula Mel. I feel bad that I basically spent an evening blowing snot bubbles on her sofa and probably not making much sense but then actually not much of this makes much sense to me at the moment, although talking about it has robbed it of some of its power. Still a lot of work to do and maybe as time goes on I might actually want to share some of it, but right now I feel like a small moon orbiting round this massive planet of ‘stuff’ and I need to focus on making that OK.

There is one small piece of news I really ought to share while I’m here though

We had our 20 week scan on Friday and despite being asked several times by Keith (just in case she was joshing with him) the answer came back time and again that yes, we are indeed having a girl. I’m over the moon that she seems healthy and happy and now I can spend the next 5 months persuading my husband that pink is not the devil’s own colour as long as it is taken is moderation.

Anyway here she is:   

 According to the scan data she is bigger than Alfie, although just as skinny at the moment and the current estimate of her birth weight is over 9lb. But then again so was Alfie’s and he wasn’t even 7lb wet through. Just in case this madam has designs on becoming a little chunk monkey though, I may go easy on the treats for the next few months.

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