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Am I the only person who has a deep seated fear about how their toddler will behave in public? Maybe I don’t mean I have a fear of him, as much as the threat of him unleashing a full on Toddler Scream that makes glasses explode and dogs attack their own feet.

I find my fear of tantrum is directly proportional to the amount I like the people I am meeting, so taking Alfie to the Hertfordshire Home Birth Support Group on Saturday morning was seriously testing the upper limits of my deodorant, which was totally stupid because of all the places I should have felt 100% at ease, it was there.

A room full of supportive women and children of various ages all sharing and laughing and nyoming amazing cake together is just my idea of a fabulous way to spend a Saturday morning, but Alfie has had a battery upgrade from Snoozy Baby to Relentless Toddler and I knew it was going to be a big ask to keep him entertained for 2 hours while trying to hold sensible conversations.

Luckily for me Alfie was able to investigate the world of flapjack for the first time, and let me tell you, he investigated the shit out it. THREE SQUARES he troughed almost without pause for breath.

In flagrant disregard to my terror of tantrum, I made an effort to remove piece number 3 from his chubby little fists. Turns out my son got his cunning from me because he first outwitted me by grabbing a substitute piece with one hand while I was prising his fingers apart on the other, and then when I grabbed both hands he let out the opening notes of a little song he likes to call “I'm going to make your life HELL if you don’t let me go woman”.

He might be cunning, but I'm a mama. One of the other ladies had her adorable toddler with her, who happened to be the same age as Alfie. We managed to pen them into one corner of the room (away from the cake tray) and let them go at some toys. The little girl picked up a saucepan lid and Alfie picked up a thick pink pen and started banging it.

So many puns about making beautiful music together – except for the fact that it was less beautiful music and more hideous clanging din. But they were happy and it meant we could join in the conversations so it was good enough for me!

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